females = infuriating (1 Viewer)

CONSTANT

Clan Member
Sep 11, 2016
73
spring hill fl
Clan Rank
Sergeant Major of the Army
Sergeant Major

Of the Army
Sorry to disappoint you but you will get not hate from me for this issue. I'm also sorry to disappoint you that it seems that you're after a female perspective and sadly that is not one that I can give.

What I can tell you is that I sympathise with your situation. I've been in your very situation many-a-time before, though not so much nowadays. However, it's a very complicated, multi-faceted problem with, if I'm to be frank, no right answer.

There are a multitude of issues to consider.

The first is the obvious and direct question you raised yourself, why are there women that "let" themselves get physically, mentally or emotionally abused by men. I've put the "let" in quotes for a reason. More on that later. However, as for the question itself, I've learned from experience that it's a trap question for men, in a similar vein to "Does this make me look fat?". There is no right answer and even if you did have the right answer, the only acceptable answer is a canned response. In this case it's, "I'm not a woman, so I can't say".

The thing I find more interesting is not why women "let" themselves get abused but the corollary to that question - why are men abusing women in this fashion? Why are you frustrated at the women for being abused and not the abuser for not only doing the act but giving our gender a bad name? Why is it the woman's fault? One could consider that point of view as victim blaming.

Bear in mind there are two sides to this issue, so why isn't the other side being addressed? Have you offered to speak to these men to find out why they were so abusive for example? It's a rhetorical question but I hope you can see where this is going.

Then there's the age old dilemma of the "nice guy" syndrome. I take it that you are a reasonably young fellow? In my youth I'd thought much the same as you - I have female friends, they get along with me and I am kind and considerate and always there to comfort them and then they say those piercing words - why can't men be more like you? However, over time I've since learned what the nice guy syndrome is about at its core - it's part ignorance and part entitlement.

I'm being nice and considerate and caring. I spend the time to listen to women's problems. I console them and empathise with them. Why do they always go for the men that hurt and abuse them? They all say that they want to meet a guy like me. Why don't they like ME? Why won't they go out with ME? Why do the jerks get all the women and why is it ME that's left without anyone?

Here is perhaps a difficult question you should perhaps ask yourself sometime - are you being nice and considerate solely because that's how you are and that's what the situation calls for or perhaps because you think that this is your way into a potential relationship? Are they coming to you, not because they find this quality in you as attractive (but not enough to explore a more personal relationship) but because you have utility as a crutch to make themselves feel better.

Allow me to relay a story to you. Tell me if this sounds familiar.

There was a women I was friends during my high school years. We were never more than friends, mutually so, but we were otherwise close. She went out with another close friend of mine for a while but she broke up with him in a really bad way when she moved to another state. We would catch up when she would come to town. She would talk about this relationship she's having with some new guy she met. It would be an on-again, off-again situation. He was really disrespectful to her but she kept going for him. You know the story.

I would do what we men think is the reasonable and nice thing to do, which is to console and offer advice on how to deal with the situation or move on. Each time she would listen, nod and agree. Every time she would come back into town, the same thing would occur. More stories of the same person being on-again, off-again. more consolation, more advice etc. Every time we met.

I thought about it for a while and then it dawned on me. She actually didn't care at all for anything advice that I had to give her. I had mistaken my role as advisor. My role was to be a crutch; to feed her ego and specific need to draw sympathy and compassion from me for all the troubles she had with this person.

This went of for a bit until I told her one time point blank in a calm but frank manner "I'm wasting my time giving you advice because you're not going to take any of it? I'm supposed to just listen and say things like "that's too bad" or "I'm so sorry to hear it". "I'm your crutch, aren't I?". She thought for a moment and nodded sheepishly. It was then I'd realised through all our conversations, it was all about her and what was going on with her and not that much with me. While that day went on pretty normally after that, I've not heard from her since then. I'm not at all sorry that this was the case. A person that uses you in such a fashion is no person I'd ever want to associate with in any serious manner.

If this sounds very familiar to you, you may want to consider what your relationship is with these people. They may all be fine and perfectly good friends but it's something to consider none the less.

One last thing to ponder. Perhaps a question to ask these women. What is attractive and desirable of these men? Could it be their physical attractiveness? Physical strength or physique? Financial or social status? Assertiveness? They asked? Could the abusive situation be just a case of bad luck? If the situation is more chronic, why is that the case?

As I said in the beginning, no hate here. You do have my sympathies. I've walked that path before and asked those very same questions. Just be clear on what your role is with these women. Hopefully not as a crutch (well, unless you want to...). Try not to victim blame where possible. Also, maybe rethink the whole nice guy thing. There is a reason why they finish last.
Very good read.. I too have seen this female behavior. Frustrating, But I have learned to catch it at an early stage and nip that shit in the butt.
 

TyeFang

Non-Member
Nov 6, 2016
52
Raleigh, NC USA
Women are attracted to men who show independence. Many Women are also attracted to what they want but cannot have. These Women WANT AND DESIRE acceptance, love, security and stability. They are very attracted to these things and they will be very attentive to get them.

Once they HAVE THESE THINGS from you then guess what...the desire and attraction goes away. Why do you think so many married couples stop having regular sex and complain about it all the time. The husband is ignored and the new smart world-traveling guy who just moved in next door gets her so excited.

By being so nice and stable and attentive and caring you basically are turning these type of women into friends. I promise if you take the lead and go somewhere adventurous and slightly ignore her she will put her arm through yours and tell you how much fun it is and give you a nice smile.

Anyways the best advice is what Jam said. Don't change who you are deep down for anyone. I am one of those nice guys, too and it took me a while to find the right woman. They exist and the best part is she actually loves me for who I am.

Now that I'm happily married, I get hit on all the time. Why? Because I'm taken. :)
 

Requ1em

Vetted Officer
Apr 16, 2016
5,311
Clan Rank
Vetted Member
Vetted Member
Hmmm. . .Been married and happy for a long time. Many of these anecdotes seem single incident issues that have left some red hot chili pepper scar tissue. Hang in there bros - there's a partner out there just for you!

[video=youtube_share;mzJj5-lubeM]https://youtu.be/mzJj5-lubeM[/video]
 

DerangedDrew

Clan Member
Dec 4, 2016
198
Texas, US
Clan Rank
Sergeant Major of the Army
Sergeant Major

Of the Army
Don't stress over anything, "We may be created equal, but we can never stay the same."



[video=youtube;Jq8sY55PGdU]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jq8sY55PGdU[/video]
 

orcy11

Clan Member
Sep 16, 2015
234
Clan Rank
Sergeant Major of the Army
Sergeant Major

Of the Army
because they liked being abused and then complain about it, I know what he means why I am a mgtow rofl.
 

CatterinaLily

Clan Member
Jun 11, 2017
70
Clan Rank
Master Gunnery Sergeant
Master Gunnery Sergeant
There are some women, including a few I know, that for whatever reason they're never happy. They always have something to complain about, can't find the good in a situation, maybe like and crave getting sympathy. You can give them all the advice in the world and they won't do anything to change it. They're gonna stay stuck in their problem forever and hope that someone'll keep listening to them. If it's those kind that you're friends with, just tell them "We've talked about <your bad relationship>/ <sucky work situation>/<whatever they've kept complaining to you about> a lot. Sounds like you're having a hard time. What can we do to fix it? What'll make it better?" If they don't want to brainstorm, then tell them "You don't want to do anything about it. Then I don't want to talk about this anymore." It sounds a little harsh, but they don't have a right to keep draining you about a problem they don't want to deal with.

As for the rest of the women that seem to "sit there and let a male abuse them either physically mentally or emotionally." Do you know if the female friends you're talking to have been brought up in bad environments? If someone was neglected growing up and/or abused, that's the only way they know how to relate to people. They don't know what a real, caring relationship is supposed to be like, so as sad as it is the abuse they get from a partner/spouse will feel natural and familiar. On a similar note, there's predatory men and women out there that (consciously or unconsciously) seek out vulnerable partners to feel in control. They know that people brought up submissive won't challenge them to make the relationship better. Many of the predators first reel them in with giving them attention, love, basically all the kindness the partners never had (and deserved) before, then when they know the partners are smitten with them they'll stop trying to impress the partner and will go back to the regular selves. Which is power-hungry, neglectful, etc. The submissive partner doesn't see that they're being manipulated, instead blaming themselves for the predator "changing." Or maybe they do see it but feel powerless on how to get out.

That ties into what Sparkis was saying: ""The thing I find more interesting is not why women "let" themselves get abused but the corollary to that question - why are men abusing women in this fashion? Why are you frustrated at the women for being abused and not the abuser for not only doing the act but giving our gender a bad name? Why is it the woman's fault? One could consider that point of view as victim blaming.""

If your friends are in this kind of relationship, please stay with them! Keep telling them they're worth it, that they don't deserve being treated less than equal. Encourage them to find passions or hobbies they enjoy, so they won't have to relay on their abuser to feel good about themselves. Give them resources on how to get out safely.

So, depending on what's going on with your female friends will determine how you proceed with them. Good for you though for being there to listen :)

Although, also as Sparkis said, I hope that you're listening because you genuinely care about your friends and not because you're trying to buy their interest. Of course if they're the kind that's using you as a crutch then they won't be attracted to you, only what you can do for them.

If you really want to be more attractive to other people, whether it's these female friends or others, make yourself more interesting. Don't define yourself and your self-esteem solely by whether or not others are drawn to you. Make sure you have hobbies, skills, things you can talk about with people. What you put out there is what comes back to you. Even if no one else likes you, at least you can like yourself for having a full and interesting life :)
 

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