JOKE OF THE DAY

[|Fever| Brklyn]

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God
appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the
men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the
men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report
to St. Peter."

Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men. The line of
the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the
line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one
man.

God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be
the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not
fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from
him."

God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in
this line?"

The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

[|Fever| Brklyn]

A doctor traveling by car along a country road collides with an attorney who happens to be driving in the opposite direction. The attorney, seeing that the doctor is a bit shaken up, helps him from the car and offers him a drink of Scotch from his hip flask. The doctor accepts, took a long drink and hands the flask back to the attorney, who closes it and puts it away. "Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asks the doctor.
The attorney replies, "Sure — as soon as the police leave."

[|Fever| Miss Joker]

when everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter paradise, god
appeared and said, "i want the men to make two lines. One line for the
men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the
men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report
to st. Peter."

soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men. The line of
the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the
line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one
man.

God said, "you men should be ashamed of yourselves, i created you to be
the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not
fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from
him."

god turned to the one man, "how did you manage to be the only one in
this line?"

the man replied, "my wife told me to stand here."

omg!!!!! I lol'd

[|Fever| Brklyn]

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas .

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looked him over. "Nope."

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked
Back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's
Different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday,
It'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."

[|Fever| Brklyn]

Four animals a Snake, a Cock, a Cat and a Centipede, all heavy smokers, were playing cards together. When the cigarettes run out, the snake, the big brother, said, "Cock, go out and get some packs! You know, I have NO legs." "But why me?" said the Cock, "I have only TWO legs!" So, the task fell on Centipede with no doubt. Centipede said nothing and left the room.
The left three waited and waited, but Centipede did not show up. One hour later, they couldn't wait anymore. "What's the devil Centipede doing?" Snake said impatiently, "Cat, go out and take a look!"
When Cat gets to the door, he got frightened. Centipede was SITTING there!!!! So the angry Cat said, "What are you doing here?"
"Can't you see? I'm putting on my shoes,” said Centipede.

[|Fever| Pegaus]

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven
Wright, he's the comedian who once said:
"I woke up one
morning, and all of my stuff
had been stolen
and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees
things differently than most of us
do, to our amazement
and amusement. Here are
some of his gems:


1 - I'd kill
for a Nobel Peace
Prize.



2 - Borrow money
from pessimists --
they don't expect it back.



3 - Half the
people you know are
below average.



4 - 99% of
lawyers give the rest a
bad name.



5 - 82.7% of all
statistics are made
up on the spot.



6 - A conscience
is what hurts when
all your other parts feel so good.



7 - A clear
conscience is usually
the sign of a bad memory.



8 - If you want
the rainbow, you got
to put up with the rain.



9 - All those
who believe in psycho
kinetics, raise my hand.



10 - The early
bird may get the
worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.



11 - I almost
had a psychic
girlfriend...but she left me before we met.



12 - OK, so
what's the speed of
dark?



13 - How do you
tell when you're out
of invisible ink?



14 - If
everything seems to be going
well, you have obviously overlooked something.



15 - Depression
is merely anger
without enthusiasm.



16 - When
everything is coming your
way, you're in the wrong lane.



17 - Ambition is
a poor excuse for
not having enough sense to be lazy.



18 - Hard work
pays off in the
future; laziness pays off now.



19 - I intend to
live forever.... so
far, so good.



20 - If Barbie
is so popular, why do
you have to buy her friends?



21 - Eagles may
soar, but weasels
don't get sucked into jet engines.



22 - What
happens if you get scared
half to death twice?



23 - My mechanic
told me, "I
couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn
louder."



24 - Why do
psychics have to ask you
for your name?



25 - If at first
you don't succeed,
destroy all evidence that you tried.



26 - A
conclusion is the place where
you got tired of thinking.



27 - Experience
is something you
don't get until just after you need it.



28 - The
hardness of the butter is
proportional to the softness of the bread



29 - To steal
ideas from one person
is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.



30 - The problem
with the gene pool
is that there is no lifeguard.



31 - The sooner
you fall behind, the
more time you'll have to catch up.



32 - The colder
the x-ray table, the
more of your body is required to be on it.



33 - Everyone
has a photographic
memory; some just don't have film.



And an all time
favorite-



34 - If your car
could travel at the
speed of light, would your headlights work?

[|Fever| Brklyn]

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached
a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement
over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain
speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los
Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and
uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY G-D!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought
me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

[|Fever| Pegaus]

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

First the CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

Next the FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

Finally the LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear.

The bear is yelling:

"Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

[|Fever| yenjin1]

good one!!! LMAO@@@ i love you joke pegaus
and brouklyn nice job fiding the joke about the god and the two line

[|Fever| Brklyn]

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.
“What are those knives doing in your car? Asked the officer.
“I use them in my juggling act,” says the juggler.
“Oh yeah?” “Let’s see you do it.” Says the policeman.
So the man starts tossing and juggling the knives.
A guy driving by sees this and says, “Wow, am I glad I stopped
Drinking. Look at the test they’re making you do now!”